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E3 - Nintendo Conference LEAKED!

posted 7 Jun 2011, 06:59 by Billy White   [ updated 7 Jun 2011, 12:29 ]
Billy here, with some totally serious EXCLUSIVE NEWS. I've been in contact with someone very high up at Nintendo, who has given me important information with regards to today's upcoming conference, and I'm pleased to reveal it all to you, our loyal readers.

1: Wii Vitality Sensor was all a massive joke
Remember the Vitality Sensor? Of course you do. Everybody does. It's that thing Nintendo announced back in 2009 that monitors your heart rate for use in innovative new games, such as Tetris that speeds up and slows down depending on how excited you are for the rotating blocks. Turns out that they trialled the sensor a few days prior to the 2009 conference, when the device turned feral, eating the fingers of seven Japanese volunteers. Iwata being the joker he was decided after the incident to pretend it never happened, by marketing it as a totally normal heart rate sensor, hoping that the concept would be so obscurely terrible that everyone would simply forget about the whole thing within a week. Iwata will pay tribute to the lost fingers in today's show.

2: New Nintendo console will be named the "Nintendo Traybake"
Everyone's heard of the new Nintendo console by now, and if latest rumours are true, it will be controlled with a huge seven inch touch screen, leaving buttons feeling rather diminished. Nintendo had several dozen creative meetings about the device in order to think up an idea of what their new device should be named, before settling on the size-similar "Traybake" title. We got a professional graphics artist to give us a more accurate representation of how it may look in terms of size, which he modelled on a Nut & Seed Traybake he found "on the Googles".

3: "Wii Mario Sports Party Plus" to be Nintendo's next flagship title
Everybody's favourite Wii games are, of course, Wii Sports and everything else that comes from the casual and party games market, which is presumably why they keep pumping them out. Well, Nintendo have decided to send the Wii off with a tribute to all their own such titles, with "Wii Mario Sports Party Plus". Taken from today's keynote transcript, Nintendo of America president Reggie Fils-Aime has this to say: "Have you ever wanted to check your weight, hit Peach with a tennis racquet AND play an unrelated fishing game all at once? With WMSPP, you can. And to make the package perfect, we've decided to include support for Wii MotionPlus, the Balance Board, and the Wii Wheel."

4: Friend Codes to be replaced with a "much better online matching system"
When it came to playing online matches with friends, everyone except Nintendo agreed that entering a separate twelve digit friend code for each game seemed a bit much, which is why they've decided to simplify the process. Due to great demand, they are including a fingerprint scanner as part of the Nintendo Traybake controller. To add a friend, all you have to do is replicate a drawing of their fingerprint by using the touch screen controller. "Twelve digits was a bit far", Nintendo are set to admit. "Which is why even the innumerate will now also be able to enjoy some online Nintendo fun."

5: Wii Shop Channel to be forgotten due to "lack of demand"
Also due in the conference this evening are the inevitable sales stats. Sadly, these have taken quite a downturn compared to previous years, which is why Nintendo is instead choosing to focus on their download sales, before concluding that their foray into online purchases has been dismal, and that they are instead looking to exceed the amount of disc based content. "In all fairness, we didn't market the online service... at all. But hey, at least the service was there. If you really cared, you would've invested everything you had in the shop channel. But now it's too late, anyway. Discs are the future."

6: Grand Theft Auto 5 set for exclusive release on the Nintendo Traybake
Because of the amount of core gamers left disappointed by some of the Nintendo Wii's latest offerings, Nintendo are looking to steer the attention back towards them, with the help of one of the worlds most popular mature series'. Rockstar are set to have their own spokesperson at the event detailing the new techniques that Nintendo's audience can use on their controllers to run over hookers, and curse wildly at harmless civilians. "Wii Sports encouraged everyone to get out there and try some new sporting activities other than gaming. With Grand Theft Auto 5, we hope to teach older gamers that there are other options, too."

7: Nintendo might remember to talk about the fact that the 3DS isn't just a 3D DSi
Due to the name of the 3DS, it would be easy to forget that it isn't just another version of our beloved handheld with an added layer of faux depth. During talks yesterday, head honcho's at Nintendo were discussing whether or not to remind everyone about the motion controls built in, too. Reggie Fils-Aime was said to be arguing in favour of forgetting the console's extra abilities. "Since we kept directing users to flick the Wii remote for everything, people have grown sick of generic motion controls. The future's all about touch screens and Kinect, and we've already got a touch screen, so it'll do, won't it?"

We can't wait to see everyone's reaction when all this news hits at the official conference. Enjoy the show, we're as excited as you are!